But I was ignoring that.Įventually, I signed up to my first half marathon with my mum in 2015. I didn’t have the strength or stamina to cope with the lifestyle I was imposing on myself. They, of course, were at the end of their tether with my behaviour, because they didn’t realise I was mentally unwell (or they just didn’t want to deal with it). I would always wake up in the morning hungover and humiliated pretending to my ‘friends’ that I was fine. I took myself to hospital one evening because I felt suicidal. I was deeply unhappy, was punching walls and kicking doors with anger and frustration and hurting myself. I sought approval from people who didn’t care about me and looked for love in the wrong places. I had no respect for myself and I often put myself at risk. I would often go out and start crying for no reason at all. I was always sick after drinking and I always had terrible patches in my memory and feelings of shame and regret the next morning.Īt university, my emotional instability came to a head and I was unable to control my moods or behaviour. But the reality was that, as early as 16, I was going too far and couldn’t handle what I was putting in my body.
I never thought about how my poor mental health was in any way related to my lifestyle. My lifestyle was bad for my mental health I got by, but never really thrived in any way. I was able to work a job at weekends at university on no sleep.
#DEPRESSION IM FINE SKIN#
I didn’t look unhealthy, I was a normal weight and my hair and skin were alright. I felt immune to self-care, or I hadn’t heard of it. When I left home, especially as the oldest child with no sibling role model to warn me and no self awareness of my emotional instability issues, I went down a bad road. ‘What was so wrong with taking drugs?’ I used to think, ‘and being up all night in dodgy places?’ The thought of it was interesting to me, not frightening. I also think when you’ve been a bit sheltered, you’re intrigued by the things everyone tells you are bad. I also found from an early age that I battled mood swings a lot.īeing a perfectionist even as a child though, I wanted to excel academically, so made sure I got good grades despite emotional and behavioural difficulties. I am also quite impulsive and used to get carried away with doing things I knew I shouldn’t, and then feel terrible about it later.
#DEPRESSION IM FINE HOW TO#
I sought out naughty kids to hang out with, talked back to teachers and never really liked authority or being told what to do or how to be. But, following a big move from the North to the South at an early age, a bit of bullying at school and being shy, I struggled a lot with my identity and self-esteem from a young age. I had a safe, sheltered childhood and loving parents. I also loved music and that went hand-in-hand with going out. Ironically, the reason I was into excess around alcohol - or partying in general - was partly because that’s just what everyone around me did, and partly because I believed that there was a purpose to it (‘having a good time’) and that it would make me feel better. I was very insecure and didn’t really like or know myself.
It was all about socialising and partying. not exercising or doing anything sport our outdoors related.
hanging around with people that weren’t good for me.not doing anything that gave me purpose outside of studies or work (like a hobby).Self-destruction for me in my late teens and early 20s entailed: I chose self-destruction instead of self-care And I didn’t realise there was a problem with this, which was the dangerous part. A younger, more naïve me was terrible at self-care and excellent at self-destruction. I could totally relate to everything that was said, and I have learned the hard way over the years that self-care really is essential to my happiness and well-being. Some people referenced physical symptoms (like tension headaches, spots, illness, being run down and fatigue) and others talked about mental symptoms (like not being able to concentrate or speak properly, forgetfulness, depression, anxiety and tension). Last year, we asked our Instagram followers how they recognise when they need more self-care. There are details of where to find help at the bottom of this page. This content mentions suicide or suicidal thoughts, eating disorders, substance abuse and addiction (which may include mentions of alcohol or drug use), depression, anxiety and panic attacks.
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